Talking with people recently I’ve heard a theme. It keeps popping up. I heard it in the call with my friend about his marriage. I’ve seen it on Facebook. It came out in a friend’s email about making scarey changes in her life this year. We’re all struggling. We’re tempted to feel alone.
I feel it at times. Making resolutions, pursuing dreams, investing in others–these things are risky and vulnerable. It’s easy to think people won’t understand. It’s tempting to dismiss our loved ones by putting words in their mouths without ever talking. It’s simpler to keep to myself than to let you in.
I have voices that tell me I can’t do it. I have voices that tease me. I have voices that tell me no one cares. I bet you do too. It’s opposition. It’s fear. It’s sin and the devil. It’s resistance. It’s a pack of lies. The lies may be your own that you tell yourself so you can avoid success. The lies might be from someone else to “protect you from failure.” But they’re lies.
Whether you are struggling in your career, in your marriage, with your finances, your health, your relationships, or any other area, you are not alone. Others share your struggle and others will root for you. Let them. And lean into the struggle.
This is so good. I’m grateful your amazing wife posted it. My husband and I have been going through a season of loneliness, and this was really timely for me to read. Thank you.
Jill, Thank you for your courage in sharing this. I’m sure your willingness to share is an encouragement to others too.
Great post Steve…question though. How do you get others to cheer you on? Often when loneliness sets in, it is difficult to rally your cheerleaders.
Todd, that’s a great question. It’s a paradox that when you need help the most, you’re the most likely not to ask for it. That’s how it is for me. That very idea is what inspired me to write the post. I want to acknowledge that we all feel this way sometimes. I’ve battled depression over the years so I know things can look pretty dark sometimes. But I’ve found if I can fight the lie that says I’m alone for a moment and reach out, it’s surprising how people respond. One time a good friend told me he was feeling isolated over the same weekend I had been feeling down. We both thought about calling each other, but neither of us did. a few days later, we shared our experiences and renewed our commitment to be there for each other.
That example points to the other side of the coin. We all need to pay attention to those closest to us to know when it’s time to step in and encourage. My wife is good about showing me love and sometimes even challenging me to call my friends for help. That is to say, we all have these lonely times. When we see it others, it’s tempting to step back because we don’t know what to say. But none of us wants the people in our lives to step back. We want our friends and family to show us we’re loved and we matter.
The truth is it takes courage on both sides to fight the lie. I think the more we name the lie and understand our need for courage, the better job we’ll do at being there for each other.
Thanks for your comment!
Sometimes my loneliness seems to have no rhyme or reason–just a feeling that I’m not understood or making a difference. Thanks for this reminder. xx
Thank you John I needed to read this! It is so true I feel so. lonely but knowing I have God on my side and you and Betty as my friend on my side and understand the pain i am in it helps greatly appreciated….
As a doctor, I encounter some very isolated, lonely people. I think loneliness can be real (especially for people who don’t know the living Christ and are connected to His Church) or imagined (we have people in our lives who care but we feel like we don’t). Real or imagined, loneliness is widespread and affects us deeply. Humans are built for community.
Dan, You raise a good point. I should mention that in my own struggle against depression I sought medical help and even took medication for years. I’ve seen people resist talking to their doctor about these feelings and I would encourage it where appropriate. And, like you say, humans are built for community. I read a study by Gallup, conducted worldwide, that says people need about six hours a day of social time. Six hours! (They made no extrovert/introvert distinction) The good news is that everything counts—time at work, at home, on the phone, talking to friends, emailing, texting, and other forms of communication. When I read that, I started making changes in my life to ensure those six hours. We are social creatures!